Cooking Bacon Naked

Cooking Bacon Naked
Stephen E. Chatman
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What a marvelously humorous and witty dialogue Stephen E. Chatman has endowed us with with his newest novel Cooking Bacon Naked.  Throughout the meritorious depths of Cooking Chatman flaunts his stick-and-move philosophy, beguiling the reader with his flamboyant stunts as would the main event at Mandalay Bay.  His epic storyline revolves around the lives of Stephen (an ex-boxer and guzzler of cheap Merlot with issues of grand proportions) and his love interest Liza, with notable appearances by Stephen’s “other” women:  Max, Melody and Rachel, the money-grubbing mother of his child.

As we each know, relationships and the maintaining of these relationships is often a 24-7 deal.  (Ordeal in Stephen’s case.)  But what Chatman does is toss obstacles in the path of his protagonist’s juggling routine, expecting him to maintain a perfect balance.  This makes for hilarious entertainment:  watching Stephen drop the balls and struggle to begin anew…

This brilliant melee is told from the perspective (or reality) of the male mind.  And having the ability to gaze into the reality of what makes man tick is refreshingly well worth the read.  As Chatman allows Stephen to stumble and trip over his often chauvinistic philosophy and fighter mentality, the reader is brought into that very reality.  Thus is the skill of Chatman to entice with grand flare.

“Never let a guy come up behind you.  You could get the life beat out of you,” Stephen says frequently throughout Cooking, as if this is the most brilliant philosophy ever.  In fact this philosophy is very reasonable.  Though when considering how Chatman places Stephen in situations where the resolutions are so obvious to the reader – especially the female reader – “make sure your opponents gloves are in front of you” would suffice as a more plausible and respectable philosophy.

The repetition of that statement sets the mood for the hilarious scenarios and the laughable conversations we share with Stephen.  This is what makes this novel truly special.

At one point in Cooking a hotheaded Stephen comes forth to do Max’s bidding:

[pg. 67]
        “So Max sent you?  Max, Max, it’s always Max.  Answer me this,” he quips.        Omar draws on his cigarette and exhales out of the corner of his mouth.  Here it comes!  I just knew he would blow the smoke in my face.  That would have been majorly disrespectful and it’s what I would have done, if I smoked…

Later in the menagerie we see another example of Stephen’s great philosophy:

[pg. 115]
        For years, the cronies took turns granting themselves big raises and fat-cat bonuses on top of bigger bonuses for their self-proclaimed vice-president titles.  In my neighborhood, gang signs are flashed to identify your allegiance.  Around the vice presidents, you gain allegiance by laughing heartily at anything they say that is an attempt at humor.  Just to piss them off, I laugh as hard as I can before they even finish their joke.  I suppose that’s a form of reverse brown-nosing.

Chatman entices with his humor and stuns with the voracity of his truth.  In one memorable scene Stephen is in jail after having punched a security guard in the nose for “being allergic to flashlights.”

[pg. 149]
        …Sometimes you have to ring a guy’s bell to get him off your back.  And if it’s not the pervert, it’s the convert who has spent his life stealing, beating and killing…but now wants to preach religion to me, while he awaits conviction for a quadruple homicide…  This guy walks around with one of those picture bibles made for kids, since he can’t even pronounce words on an eye chart.  If you take the time to listen to his wild interpretations of the bible, you’ll hear about Moses giving Eve an apple atop Mount Eden.

Humorous throughout without a doubt…  And although the ending was a bit disappointing, what makes this novel such a rock amongst the sea of new literature is that Chatman doesn’t shy away from taking risks.  His “go-for-it” mentality really works wonders for the funnybone in all of us.  

There are no if-ands-or-buts about it, if one fries up some bacon in his birthday-suit one is liable to get splashed by sizzling bacon grease.  This analogy is likely the reason for the title Cooking Bacon Naked – one must be prepared to be splashed with Chatman’s wit!

5 stars – Exhilarating, Hilarious & Suave

Reviewed for Mahogany Media of Hudson & Albany NY
Mahogany Media Review

F.R.I.E.N.D.S. & The Choices That We Make

F.R.I.E.N.D.S. & The Choices That We Make
Valerie A. Withers
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Withers’ novel is a powerful testimonial to the power & beauty of true friendship and a tribute for essence of woman truly blossoming through the turbulent moments of reality.  This novel is basically a group of short stories that shares a common element:  Synthia.  And even though each character has her own story to tell, equal but separate is not an issue here, for F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is actually an acronym which represents the first letter of the first name of the seven major characters in this hilarious & well-orchestrated novel.  

Felicity, Rachel, Ione, Evelyn, Nina & Denyse are the sustained medley (the concertos – if you will) that makes the grand composition of Synthia’s opus a reality.  Each lady has her particular storyline.  Each lady represents an integral part of the melody which is weaved with the dexterity known by only the finest of craftmen; such is the skill of Withers’ storytelling ability.  Each is related by their relation to Synthia, whom incidentally is described as being an attractive heavy-set woman.  I would propose having such a diversely fanatical array of friends would require having a little extra security (aka poundage) prerequisite for surviving the brouhaha that can often bloom in close relationships…

Withers entices the reader with a her flowering style of writing.  We are often spoken to directly, as if a dear friend is recollecting a memory and sharing it through conversation.  This conversational style is so very appealing and quite the pleasant surprise as Withers pulls it off perfectly with aplomb:

[pg. 46]
I had never been with a man who was so uninhibited in the bed before.  With him is where I first experienced having my booty sucked and licked.  Now for those of you ladies who are turning your noses up, you might want to skip this next part.  But for those of you, who are true “freaks”, keep reading…

At the very end of Withers’ first attempt at fictional writing we are told Synthia’s age, as a birthday celebration in a surprise locale – to make up for the festivities of the previous year due to the September 11 attacks in New York City & Washington D.C. – is planned by Nina.  During a rare spiritually intense moment Synthia toasts friendship and tells each of her sister-friends how very much she is blessed to have them.  At this culmination point Withers’ intent shines like a brand-new penny:

[pg. 278]
“Cherish your friendships everyone.  They are a dime a dozen and that much harder to come by.”

Although the author tries flexing her poetic muscles (failing miserably) mainly Withers’ masterpiece is a very lyrically humorous work.  She even introduces a new word to my vocabulary:  fyne (an adjective which means sexually attractive).   The spelling is novel.  

She stuns with her characters’ bravado and wit…  She intrigues with the blatant truth of her characters’ realness.  There is a vast amount of laugh-out-loud moments in Withers’ narrative:

[pg. 134]

He was absolutely right.  But I wasn’t ready to go home yet.  “Listen Carl, we can go on and on about this, but it won’t change a damn thing [and] for that I’m truly sorry…  I love you baby, and I love being your wife.”  He sat there for a minute, and then says, “I believe you [but] I will not tolerate you being disrespectful to me as a man, and cavorting around town with other men.”  Who the hell uses the word cavorting? And more importantly, what the hell does it mean?...

Interestingly enough, I was taken aback by the very last page which features the poem “One True Friend.”  The sentimentality was right on point and was a perfect fit for the perfect ending:

[pg. 134]

So the next time you feel alone and think there is know one to care
Remember this one thing; it’s your girlfriend who will always be there

She’s your one true friend!


4 1/2 stars – Hilarious, Heartfelt & True

Reviewed for Mahogany Media of Hudson & Albany NY
Mahogany Media Review